Edition #6: The Reason You Never Feel Ready
Welcome to the Hail Mary Friday Club, the place where we figure out how to live with more boldness, courage, and joy…and then every Friday we go out and do something about it!
“You’ll never feel ready because ready isn’t a feeling. It’s a decision.”
- Unknown
The Problem: You don’t feel ready
I’ll do it when I feel more confident …
I’m travelling to a keynote as I write this. And I know that afterwards, I will have wonderful chats with people in the audience, and one of them will probably say a variation of “I could never deal with what you did”.
For those who don’t know the story, I was in a freak accident at 15 which involved being run over by a boat and caught in the propellors. The end result was the amputation of my right foot and a very different life from the one I had planned as an international rugby superstar.
My response to that comment is always “Yes you could”. Teenage Stef was also in the camp of people who thought they could never deal with a life changing accident. And then one day, the question stopped being theoretical and she was left with a choice: “Will you try, no matter how unfair all of this feels? Or will you give up?”
That experience led to a very important discovery about feelings. I used to think feelings led to action. But I had it backwards.
The Solution: Act your way to readiness
Take action, and your feelings will catch up…
Readiness is not an objective state. It’s just a story your brain tells you when a perceived risk drops below a certain threshold. It’s goes back to our amygdalas, that annoying part of our brain that cares for us deeply but prefers we keep living very small, very safe lives. (Edition 2 provides a crash course on all things amygdala)
And you can fight it by intentionally committing acts of cognitive dissonance – the discomfort you feel when your beliefs and actions don’t marry up. Like when your brain tells you you’re not ready for something and you do it anyway!
And here’s the thing: your brain doesn’t like it. It has to find a way to reduce the discomfort of dissonance, and its only option is to adjust the storyline: “Maybe I am the kind of person who can do this!”
The day I decided to try, everything changed. I was still in pain, my foot was still gone, and my life was still going to be very different. But instead of asking myself how I felt, I instead asked “What would a person committed to trying do?” I made a list, and then I went out and did those things.
And one day, I discovered my feelings had indeed caught up!
The Application: Love
Because everyone loves some unsolicited relationship advice…
Brent and I celebrate 17 years of marriage next week! I’m pleased to confirm that he is still my favourite person. And I can also confirm that it has not always been easy. And that I’m at least 50% of the reason why.
I was very young when we got married and I’ve changed significantly. So has he. And so have my feelings. They have deepened, evolved, ebbed and flowed.
And much like readiness and confidence, I have learned that feelings are not the most important thing when it comes to love. Ultimately, love is about what you do.
If you ask me what it means to love someone, I will tell you this: Love is asking yourself everyday, “What can I do to make this person’s life better?” And then going and doing those things.
It may not sound very romantic. But you will be amazed at the warm fuzzies that follow!
What idea are you sitting on while you wait to feel ready?
If the only way to feel ready is to take action, what can you do today to bring that idea out of your head and into the world? Sounds like a perfect choice for a Hail Mary Friday! Catch you in your inbox on Oct 23rd!
- Stef
PS. If you would like to learn more about the association between fixed mindsets and waiting to “feel ready”, this iconic Ted Talk by Carol Dweck explains how people with growth mindsets reframe “readiness” as an opportunity to learn by doing!
